I have OCD that consists of repenting to God for my bad thoughts whichc brings me to my next points. I have a thought disorder. ANTS bother me all day. Automatic Negative Thoughts. So I lose it and take it all out on God. It's obviously not his fault so I'm just being stupid but I cuss and scream and…
I don’t mean to get too personal here, but have you been sexually abused? I was. And I found myself very, very angry with God because I suspected that had he BEEN there like He says He is, then it never would have happened. And other fears kicked in. I’ll be honest, I haven’t conquered everything yet, but it really stemmed from being assualted.
Also, if you aren’t eating properly you are malnourished and that wreaks HAVOC on your mental facilities. Trust me, I was there, too. May I make the suggestion to seek counseling from someone who shares your faith? A pastor or minister who you may trust? It’s an idea. Possibly one that could really, really help you. Good luck. I’ll be praying for you.
I can’t imagine how horrible things must be for you right now, and I can’t.
However, from personal experience of crippling depression, I can say that there’s always hope. One of the most important things to figure out in life is learning what you really want. There’s the part of us that wants to do bad things because we think its cool or what society wants. Then there’s the higher self, the part which philosophers talk about, the part of your mind which loves God and everyone. Learning to quiet the sinful part while listening to the loving part is one of the hardest things to do, but it gets easier with practice. I know all this is probably confusing, but I would summarize with the idea that you must love yourself.
How can you know what love is until you love yourself? You might not think you deserve love, but you do, otherwise God wouldn’t have put you here. I could recommend a bunch of movies or books (like The Holy Jewish Kabalah and Flower of Life by Drunvalo Malchezidek) which talk about all this, and you’re welcome to explore that source of info, but you deserve love and once you love yourself you will also be showing love for God for thanking him for His/Her creation.
So, remember: You are a good person, you deserve love and you are capable of achieving anything you desire, anything!
Loving God is the way which you show thanks for all the beauty around us, for God is in everything,